


we don’t say excuse me when we fight

by crispytoasty



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, F/F, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining, post-disbandment, suayeon hit a rock in their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crispytoasty/pseuds/crispytoasty
Summary: alternatively titled: breaking up with your girlfriend (and the consecutive dates you have with her)
Relationships: Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 14
Kudos: 79
Collections: Girl Group Jukebox - Mixtape Round





	we don’t say excuse me when we fight

**Author's Note:**

> written for GG Jukebox Mixtape Round, inspired by [Moody by Maye ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg9SktbzQwY).
> 
> huge thanks to jess for suggesting i join this and pushing me into a new fic writing career and to kevin for teaching me basic grammar + helping edit a lot!!

_7 August, evening_

Bora tilts her head back as she stretches her legs, feeling her muscles pulling taut. She focuses on this sensation, but it makes her feel like a piece of used chewing gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. The anger will not go away, no matter how hard she tries to let it go.

Her girlfriend, or something, stares at her from across the room, mouth pursed into a frown, or maybe it’s a smile? Outside, dusk spares no light to enter their, or maybe just her own, flat, and the shadows muddle an already incomprehensible mess, two figures shrouded in gloom, in a house half-stripped of the things that make it livable. 

“Siyeon, I’m serious.” Bora emphasizes her name, her girlfriend-or-something’s name, and it scares her for a moment. If you keep saying the same word over and over again, it loses its meaning. That was how it was beginning to feel with Siyeon. _Siyeon. Siyeon. Siyeon. Are you listening?_

“I know. I know.” Siyeon’s reply was hushed. It had taken Bora a while to pick up her quiet sounds against the volume of her own voice, but she had done it. She was good at it. She was the one who could distinguish Siyeon’s voice in any crowd.

“You were supposed to move out, like, yesterday.” The words feel wrong coming out of her mouth.

“I’m sorry, my sister was supposed to come today but something came up.”

“What?”

Siyeon immediately diverts her gaze, focusing on one of those muddled shadow-spots in the corner of the room. Bora lets out an exasperated sigh. It would always go like this. Something would upset her. She would let Siyeon know. Siyeon would promise things would get better. They wouldn’t, and Bora would take things too far. Most of their relationship lately had been them getting accustomed to this, until they couldn’t.

“Just work stuff. She’ll come tomorrow, I promise. I’ll take the couch tonight.”

“Okay. Do whatever.” Bora shifts uncomfortably on the sofa, turning towards the window to pick up the last bits of light before the room was brought to total darkness. Neither of them would turn on the lights. Or Siyeon would turn it on, and Bora would turn it off again. “You could just sleep in the bed again.” 

Siyeon nods half-heartedly, and Bora closes her eyes before getting up to prepare for bed. They do not shower together. They hadn’t for a while. Bora turns the heat of the water up higher in an attempt to forget this, and she imagines that the warmth and the water take the shape of someone embracing her. She imagines Siyeon. She still feels cold.

That night, Bora starts another war with the covers on their, or her, bed, with a pillow that’s too lumpy, with the air conditioning’s blaring that drones on into the night. Cars occasionally honk from outside her window and frogs warble with the same consistency they always had. The night runs on.

Sometimes she finds herself gazing at Siyeon’s side of the bed. The gap between them was not very big, but to Bora it was immeasurable. Her eyes focus on the nape of Siyeon’s neck, and though she cannot make out the words in the dim lighting, she recalls the many times she ran her fingers over the tattoo Siyeon had there. _Paradise is where I am_. 

_Paradise is where you are_. Bora repeats this to herself as she falls into a discontented sleep, waking up every so often to find her arm on Siyeon, or Siyeon’s legs tangled into hers. She won’t separate herself, not tonight.

* * *

_8 August, morning_

Siyeon had been _trying_ to move out for the last three days. Much like they had been _trying_ to work on their relationship for the past few months.

They wake up the next morning, not acknowledging last night’s intimacies as Siyeon brushes her teeth and Bora makes coffee. She never drank coffee herself, she just made it for Siyeon. She was being hospitable.

Their one bedroom flat had become a mess of boxes strewn about the place, boxes on which Bora had stubbed her toes too many times. On the main wall above the television was a single painting made by Bora, idyllic fruit trees dotting rolling green pastures, awkwardly placed on the wall, a large vacant space next to it. Siyeon’s painting, a flock of birds rising above deep blue cresting waves, rests against a box on the floor nearby. These were the paintings they created in an art class on their first date. The decorations they had used to christen the apartment as theirs when they had initially moved in. 

They had joked that the apartment was haunted, because sometimes the heating system would stop working in the middle of the night, or the roof above them creaked, even though they were on the top floor. But haunted or not, it was a home that they had made theirs.

They had lived there for two years, the two years after Dreamcatcher had disbanded following a successful and highly praised career. 

They had only been really dating for one year though. Neither brought this technicality up to the members. If they did, they would just laugh at the pair. 

“You guys have basically been a couple since Minx!” Yoohyeon had exclaimed, receiving a nod of agreement from Yubin.

“I have literally been unable to avoid third wheeling you guys in every V Live we’ve done.” Gahyeon grumbled, and Handong just gave the two a wink and a thumbs up.

Minji, thankfully, did not say much. When she spotted them together, she would just give her trademark knowing smile, which would soon disappear and make way for expressions which feigned innocence over any knowledge of the two.

So it came as no surprise that after Dreamcatcher stopped working together as a group, Bora and Siyeon would live together. Siyeon was still undeniably an idol, putting her efforts towards her solo career. Bora, on the other hand, wasn’t entirely sure. She had done some collaborations with other groups, created choreographies, and was even considering moving into acting. She was well known. Well loved. SuA of Dreamcatcher, moving into a new phase of her life, was still lauded by fans, idols, and others in the industry for years. But anyone who paid attention knew that Bora was not the same as she had been with Dreamcatcher.

Ever since they had been in Minx together, Bora always wondered about Siyeon. Their chemistry, both on screen and off, seemed too good to be true sometimes. When Siyeon tripped on stage once during a performance and hurt her ankle, Bora tended to her diligently, the other members giving them space as Siyeon recuperated under Bora’s watch. The light did not come back into her eyes again until Siyeon was back on stage again, dancing happily with the rest. When Siyeon once found Bora crying over not being able to hit her notes properly on their last title song, she spent the next two days sitting with Bora in the studio helping her until Bora had mastered it. Once she did, Bora kept singing throughout the weeks of training that followed, even in their down time, driving the others mad. They would jokingly chastise Siyeon for enabling her Bora like that, but she would just smile and say, “I’m in the process of making her our true main vocal so I can finally get away from you guys”. And they’d all laugh, because there could be no Dreamcatcher without Siyeon. No Bora without Siyeon.

When they got their first win, it was Bora who tightly held Siyeon’s hand that night, all through the encore performance. And Siyeon clasped her fingers around Bora’s even tighter.

Bora had a knack for figuring things out. She was always the first to manage hard choreographies. She could replicate restaurant food at the dorms just by tasting it once. Siyeon had been a little harder to figure out, but eventually Bora got it. She knew what she loved, what she hated, what she secretly hated, and what she was too shy to admit that she loved. Sometimes it had Bora worried: where did their professional relationship end, and the rest begin? Some relationships are too complex to be put into words, but Bora had always believed, even with all the confusion, that she and Siyeon had something meaningful. They fit each other. They got each other. Even beyond what the other members, or their managers, or their fans knew.

But things didn’t make sense anymore, not when Siyeon was packing the last of her things into those stiff, bruised, cardboard boxes.

* * *

_21 June, evening_

Their first breakup happened in late June, as spring ran on its last legs to give way to a sweltering summer.

Bora remembered the way her stomach lurched that night. 

They were cleaning their flat, finally moving the thick duvets into the closet in favor of thin sheets better suited to the summer, bringing out the fans and doing last minute washing.

They scrambled around their apartment, cleaning furiously while music blasted out of Siyeon’s small, tinny speaker. Bora was a flurry of motion, in one moment patting the dust out of a duvet and in the next, smacking Siyeon’s rear and shouting in triumph, causing the latter to shriek in surprise. Their cries crested over the blaring music before being drowned out once more by the sea of noise in their flat.

The cacophony was interrupted with the sound of Siyeon’s cool, husky voice.

“Bora, I’m going to be going on a trip for a few days.” She smacked the duster she was holding against the open window in front of her. The particles rose up, drifting, before being blown away in a rare breeze. 

“Where?” Bora perked up slightly.

“I have a music video filming coming up, we’re going to Jeju.”

“You’re having a comeback? Since when?”

“Um...” Siyeon bit her lip, twisting her long hair into a short ponytail. She released it, and her long hair fanned out across her back, dark and regal. “Maybe a few weeks ago.”

“Weeks!” Bora dropped the sheet she was folding in front of her. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Sorry, guess I forgot,” Siyeon admitted sheepishly. “It’s been busy, you know.”

“Yeah but, I don’t know. I would’ve thought you’d tell me earlier. When are you leaving?”

Siyeon hesitated before answering. “Tomorrow.”

“ _Tomorrow?_ ” Bora’s face twisted, appalled. “What the hell, Siyeon. We had plans to visit my fam-”

“Yeah, I know and I’m really sorry.” Siyeon’s eyes darted around the room, searching for the right words to say as if they were puzzle pieces thrown about the flat. “I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”

“I just can’t believe you forgot to tell me.” Bora knew her tone was accusatory, that it would bring Siyeon on edge, but she found herself unable to back down.

“It’s okay, let’s not fight anymore about this, okay?”

**“** We’re fighting? I thought we were just having a conversation.”

“Right.”

Siyeon looked down at the ground for a moment before walking up to Bora, clasping her warm hands around Bora’s face. She pecked Bora on the forehead, swiping a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Sorry, I’ll keep you more updated about work stuff from now on.”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” It was okay. It wasn’t a big deal. Couples don’t need to know every single little thing about one another. They forget things sometimes. It happens. They didn’t have to be perfect in order to be perfect for each other.

But every time they fought, or had an argument, it left Bora feeling sore inside, like her heart had been ravaged. Small mistakes always meant something deeper. It started to seem like accidents were done on purpose, when it was Bora herself who twisted the knife, adding hidden intent to Siyeon’s words. She got caught in this cycle, angry, angrier, until she could see nothing else but flaws in all of their interactions.

But she was working on this. And so was Siyeon. And after their fight, Siyeon would kiss her cheek tenderly, and everything would be forgotten. Or Bora would pounce on Siyeon, and they would play wrestle, laughing as their problems were tickled away. But lately, all of that felt like a cover up.

That’s not to say that they never talked about things. They did, sometimes, but it didn’t always work. Apologies were hard. Minor things like this weren’t supposed to be a big deal. Yet these days, when Bora lay in bed at night unable to sleep, her mind would cycle through each faux pas, each indiscretion, until her memories got her riled up. 

It should have been easy to get over, Bora thought. To talk it through. But not that night.

They were making bibim-naengmyeon for dinner, something light and refreshing. Bora gently scrubbed starch out of the noodles under cold running water, her hands feeling as though they were about to freeze, while Siyeon julienned cucumbers, just like Bora had taught her.

“Siyeon,” Bora began, and she felt her hands get a touch colder. She still had so much to get off her chest, and the need to release was beginning to overshadow the need to keep the peace.

“What’s up?” Siyeon seemed relaxed, unaffected. A good sign.

“I feel like you’ve been forgetting to tell me things a lot lately.”

Siyeon didn’t change the rhythm of her chopping, each movement coming down gentle and eager.

“How so?”

_This doesn’t have to be a fight, Bora._ “I mean, don’t you remember earlier today? You forgot to tell me abo-”

“Oh, right. My bad, I won’t do it again.”

_She interrupted me. Why does she have to do that?_

“That’s what you said last time when you forgot to tell me you were going to come home super late. Or that other time when you didn’t tell me there was cheese in the pasta you made.”

Siyeon scoffed at that last point, and Bora had to admit it was low hanging fruit. But it was these tiny things, which just kept building up and accumulating, that had driven her to this point. Siyeon kept on cutting the cucumbers, but now each slice was coming down erratic and untimed. Bora did her best to ignore this but everything felt off, and she couldn’t help but tap her foot irritably, trying to make up for the discord by striking the ground to her own rhythm.

“Yeah, but I’ve been getting better at remembering, haven’t I?” The sounds of Siyeon’s knife work were beginning to sound more like she was hacking a dead body than anything else.

Bora bristled at her response. “Then why does this keep happening?” 

“It happens less!” More irregular slicing. Siyeon did not let up.

“It feels the same to me! How are you going to forget to tell your own girlfriend that you’re going on a trip tomorrow?” Bora scoffed, clenching and unclenching her fists. She wanted to jump out the window and run into the Han river. ”I feel like at this rate, I wouldn’t have heard of your comeback until after the fans knew about it!”

Siyeon’s mouth twitched for a moment, an almost-smile. _Was she mocking me?_ It left Bora enraged.

“So? We’re not in the same group anymore, you’re not going to know everything about my job all the time.” Even now, Siyeon did not stop slicing at the vegetables, even though they had already been mashed into small, indiscernible shapes.

“Sure, but some things would be nice!”

“Well, I-” Siyeon recoiled suddenly. “Ow!”

“What happened?” Bora darted towards her; anxiety mixing into her anger, consuming her.

“I accidentally cut myself.” A small drop of blood beaded on Siyeon’s finger, and she moved to the sink to wash it. Bora approached her, an invisible force field keeping her from standing too close.

“Are you okay?” 

Siyeon nodded, eyes unfocused. “Yeah, it’s fine! I was just distracted.”

“Pay closer attention next time, you could have hurt yourself.” Bora crossed her arms. She was tense, unable to relax herself as she clutched at her limbs. If she let go, she knew that she would just crumble on the spot, furious and miserable and all the things she would never let herself feel so openly. She needed to keep it together.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t distract me!” Siyeon scrubbed her hands furiously, blood returning every so often, flowing down her finger before being brought down with the force of water again.

“How are you going to blame this on me? I’m just trying to talk to you.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s the problem. Our relationship has been getting better. We’ve been having less fights and-”

“But the fights are worse, Siyeon.”

“Look, when you freak out, I freak out, things can get out of hand.”

“I just feel like you’re so out of it all the time. I don’t know how to read you sometimes, it feels like you don’t understand me. Sometimes I feel like you’re not _there._ ” Maybe she was being more difficult than she needed to be, but it was better to get it all out, while they still had the time.

“What? I’m always there. I’ve always been there for you. Why are you making a big deal out of things that don’t need to be a big deal?”

“It’s not like you’re making it easier for me.” Bora spat back. She was tired of having to justify herself, her feelings. It felt like she had been fighting to be seen and heard so much lately, and it had completely drained her. Siyeon turned towards her, an expression of disbelief etched across her face.

“How can you not get how hard I’ve been trying? I’ve been putting everything into this relationship.” 

“Things are different, I don’t know.” Bora paused. “We’re drifting apart.”

“So? We have two options. We can keep dealing with it or we can just...” Siyeon looked down at the floor, shaking. “Break up.”

“Siyeon...I don’t know. I just need to think a bit.” Bora’s brows furrowed, guilt eating at her. She was leaving Siyeon in a state of limbo and she knew it, she was cruel for it.

“You don’t know if you want to be with me.” Her gaze was fixed on the ground. She was still shaking.

Panic set in, and Bora was unable to think. “I need some time.”

“Time. Okay. You got all the time in the world, all I do is make time for you.” Siyeon lifted an arm to cover her face. Bora glimpsed a tear as it hung on the bottom of Siyeon’s chin, waiting to fall.

“Siyeon!”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I just...need to be alone.”

“Okay, then I’ll leave.”

“Siyeon, I-”

“It’s fine. I’ll be at my sister’s. Bye.”

Siyeon ran off to their room, arm still covering her face as the door slammed behind her. Bora heard shuffling behind the door, the sounds of disruption, of items being uprooted, and soon Siyeon emerged again, bag in hand. Within moments, she was out the door, leaving Bora alone. _What had she done?_

“I’m sorry.”

* * *

_26 June, morning_

Five days after that, Bora got a text.

_I’m missing ur coffee. Can u show me how u make it again?_

Bora rolled her eyes at this, but it wasn’t enough to cover up how her heart began to race faster, the way she began to bubble with excitement. She started to formulate a response.

_LOL who wouldn’t miss it_ She contemplated an emoji, but decided to leave it be. _u can come over tn, u already know where im at_

She waited a bit, counting two minutes, trying not to let her impulsivity get the better of her before the time was right to send the message. _One, two, three..._

She did not allow herself to think the entire time. _Sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two..._

When she got to one hundred and twenty, she hit send with no hesitation, her heart jumping in her throat. She was sweating.

Bora spent the next hour in disarray, scrambling around her flat, their flat, cleaning up messes that weren’t there. She checked her phone more often than she cared to admit, checked her hair in the mirror even more so. 

By the time an hour passed, Bora found herself clutching her phone so hard that her tiny hands had whitened from the grip.

There was a knock at the door.

She checked her hair one last time before running up to the door and opening it. She looked up slightly to find Siyeon smiling coyly at her, and stepped abruptly aside to let her guest in. Bora wasn’t sure if Siyeon was her guest, or her roommate, or her girlfriend, but that was a problem for later. Siyeon appeared happy and radiant, the early morning having little effect on her disposition as she set down her purse on the sofa, as if it was her own sofa. It was, in a way.

She washed her hands as Bora pulled coffee beans from the shelf, Siyeon’s favorite Liberica medium roast blend that they saved for special occasions.

“You should just take this with you. You know I don’t really drink coffee.”

“If you insist.” Siyeon nodded gravely as she watched Bora grind up the beans to a coarse powder, gently pour the powder into their well-loved french press, boil water to a precise 93 degrees Celsius, pour the water into the coffee grinds while wiggling the kettle carefully, and then at last place the french press’s plunger onto the contraption, allowing the deep, rich colored coffee to emerge from the grinds. It was an intricate process, and Siyeon looked to be savoring each moment of it. Bora poured the hot liquid into a mug, and slid the drink over. She hoped that Siyeon had not noticed how much her hands had trembled during the entire process. Siyeon thanked her, with a familiar kindness that made Bora tender, and took a grateful gulp.

“So, will you remember all of that?” Bora tilted her head to the side.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll remember it.” Somehow Bora knew she wouldn’t. “You sure you don’t want a cup? I can’t believe you make this stuff so good but you still won’t have any.”

Bora shook her head. “Not for me, but I’ll get some tea.” She reaches back into the cabinet to get a teabag, her hands still shaking.

“So, Siyeon,” Bora began to speak as her familiar confidence came back in drops. “How’s it been?” She was still too afraid to look back at her maybe-ex-lover’s face. For now this will do.

“Um, it’s been alright. I’ve started looking for a place of my own and my sister’s been very helpful.”

“Good to hear.”

“Yeah.” 

There was only a moment of silence, but it jarred Bora immensely. She was relieved when Siyeon began to speak again.

“How about you?”

“Oh, you know me. Keeping myself busy. It’s been fine.” She didn’t bring up how she had only been eating cup noodles and showered once, that morning, since their fight. She was sure Siyeon could tell.

“Yeah. You know, I also came here for another reason.”

“Oh?” Bora’s heart skipped a beat. Siyeon missed her. She wanted to come back. They would work things out and it would all be okay, and eventually this would be a bad dream they laughed about in the future.

“I have to pick up some more of my stuff.” At this, Bora whipped around instantly. A black hole was inside her, growing bigger, pulling her in. She wanted to disappear into it so bad, to pop out of existence like it was nothing.

“Are you moving out?” From the way Siyeon looked regretfully at her, Bora knew she could detect the despondency in her tone.

“It’s just that it’s been five days. I need my stuff.”

“But are you moving out?” Bora emphasized this last part in her mind. _Moving out_. 

“I guess.” 

There was a hint of annoyance in Siyeons’ tone here, as if she was talking to a child. An unasked question that was still present, buzzing around in their space. _You want me to leave, don’t you?_ Bora flinched as she deliberated on what to say. Thoughts would not stop occupying her mind, hurtful thoughts, and she did what she could to restrain them. But still, the black hole grew.

“I never said I wanted you to move out.”

Siyeon scoffed loudly, almost viciously. This was uncharacteristic of the vibrant girl Bora was used to.

“You didn’t have to. It’s been five days, Bora.”

Was five days enough time for Siyeon to give up on them? Was that all it took? Bora was trapped in a corner again, a cage of her own making.

“What should I have said? That last fight we had was mostly your fault. Then you come here under the pretense of wanting coffee and now you’re talking about moving out?” She wanted to keep going, to release all her grievances, but the look in Siyeon’s crestfallen face stopped her immediately.

“You don’t even want me to stay here anymore.” Tears shone in Siyeon’s eyes, difficult to see through the tears Bora had in her own.

“Why wouldn’t I? This is your home.” Bora spat back in disbelief. Why was Siyeon trying so hard to move away from her?

“This isn’t my home anymore.”

Bora wanted nothing more in that moment to be held, but instead she pressed on. “What do you mean?” she asked, shaking.

Siyeon didn’t respond, but her eyes flashed with anger, with sadness, with regret; everything had been laid out on the table. _You’re not my home anymore._ For a while, Bora didn’t know what to say. It felt as though she was suspended there. The dripping of the faucet in the background seemed to get louder and louder, as the gravity of Siyeon’s message slowly sank in. _Drip. You’re not her home anymore. Drip. You’re not her home anymore. Drip._

“I’m sorry.” Bora meant this earnestly, genuinely. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you to move out. This is your home as well.” _I can be your home again too._ She wanted to say that last part out loud, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“It’s fine. I’m heading back now. Thanks for having me” Siyeon stood abruptly, grabbing her purse briskly as she rushed towards the door. Bora didn’t see her out, letting her tears fall as the door swung shut with a solid thump. She should have screamed out after her, let her know how much she wanted her, _needed_ her. There were so many things she could have said but she was consumed by this black hole, wasting away until nothing was left.

She stood in the kitchen alone, holding herself as the tea water boiled away, as Siyeon’s coffee grew colder on the table.

The coffee beans sat on the counter: open, unattended, forgotten.

* * *

_3 August, afternoon_

They didn’t visit each other for a while after that, but they texted sometimes. They hadn’t exchanged apologies, or really talked about what happened. Siyeon occasionally sent Bora updates about her comeback, and Bora sent her the cooking vlogs she made in her spare time. Their conversations were short, “ _How are you?”, “Good, you?”,_ the kind killed off by a thumbs up emoji even though both knew much more could be said. The flat was definitely still Bora’s, but maybe it was Siyeon’s too. It was still both of theirs in a sense; but Siyeon lived there only as a figure on the screen of Bora’s iPad. Since, these days, Bora spent most of her time watching Siyeon’s comeback performances in bed, unmoving and lifeless, haunted by the screen. Virtual Siyeon, however, seemed to be having a good time, hitting every note, smiling sweetly at her fans, at the people on the other side of the camera.

It was August the next time Bora saw Siyeon in person. 

This time, Bora texted first. She wasn’t going to originally, but it was a meeting with Minji one day that gave her the resolve. Minji had come to bait Bora with ice cream to draw her out of her slump.

“Ice cream always makes things better!” was all she said when Bora shot her a tired and menacing glare as she got ready.

They sat in the ice cream shop for a bit, talking about Minji’s rising acting career when suddenly Minji rested her hand on Bora’s arm.

“So, are you two still together? Because you can’t keep going like this.” Minji said this as kindly as she could, delivering each word delicately to Bora. However, she was direct and to the point, the kind of communication that was home territory for a leader like her.

“I don’t know. Sort of. Maybe. We’re on a break.” Bora twirled her spoon around before mixing it through her ice cream, an already melted sludge of blueberries and vanilla on one side and chocolate on the other. 

Minji squinted a bit before taking a quick bite of her own strawberry ice cream. “What’s that mean?” 

“Um...I don’t know. She kinda moved out and we just haven’t talked for a while.” Bora shifted uncomfortably, continuing to stir her dessert. Minji was undeterred.

“Kinda? You know you have to figure this out sooner or later, right?”

“How?”

With a quick laugh, Minji leaned forward. “You have to talk to her again. It’s not over until either of you says it’s over, you know?”

The simplicity of Minji’s answer stunned Bora out of a response. She hesitated for a while, mixing her ice cream more desperately now until it was an indistinguishable brown puddle.

Finally, she sighed heavily, tapping her phone against the table. “Fine, I’ll text her tonight.” Minji didn’t withhold her beaming smile as Bora rose from the table, picking up the remainder of the ice-cream-milk mix. She reached for Minji’s too, only to be rebuked.

“I’m not done with mine yet!” Minji exclaimed. Bora rolled her eyes and sat back down as they relaxed in the ice cream shop, just for a few more hours, to enjoy the chill of the store as the summer heat raged on outside.

* * *

_3 August, evening_

Later that night, Bora prepared to draft a message to Siyeon.

_hey. r u doing smth tomorrow?_

She didn’t overthink this time when she hit send, and she didn’t have to wait long for a response.

_no, i’m free. i’m guessing u are too._

Bora snorted.

_wanna grab lunch tmrw? we can go to that one fried chicken place u wanted to try_

This time, a ten minute wait before she received a reply.

_oh, i already tried it....but we can still go!!!_

Bora closed her eyes. It was the chicken place they had talked about going to together. But they weren’t really together anymore, so it wasn’t a big deal. Probably.

_o ok, sure_ _  
_ _  
_ She hit send, felt the desolation through her words on the screen, and sent another text to compensate.

_what time?_

An almost immediate response:

_let’s do 12:30?_

Bora nodded. She was free then. It’s not like she had anything else going on.  
_  
ok, sounds good_

Making plans with Siyeon had always been easy. Siyeon would usually let Bora pick on the days she couldn’t decide, and they would always get dessert afterwards, no matter what. 

Then, another ping from her phone.

_did you pick tomorrow for a reason?_

Bora furrowed her brows. Was it their anniversary? A birthday? None of that seemed right to her.

_no, why?_

_oh, tomorrow’s chilseok. i was just wondering._

Bora almost threw her phone away. She hoped Siyeon didn’t think she did this on purpose. It would be embarrassing, likening them to two star crossed lovers, who could only meet once a year. Was that better than what they were now? What were they now? She settled with responding with one of her go-to messages.

_that’s kinda funny_

_yeah, it’s ironic._

She wanted to say something else to keep the conversation going, but it was clear that it was over. Bora exhaled. They had their lunch plans, and that was something, and she would not mess it up, not this time. She slept well that night, everything in perfect balance for once, the air conditioner not too loud, the sheets not too warm. They enveloped her, and she felt like a child, like she was being born anew.

* * *

_4 August, noon_

As heartbreak circled Bora’s life, the city continued on as usual. She took a train, which came on time as it always did, getting off at Yeoksam. There, the fried chicken place wasn’t too far of a walk. Fifteen minutes. Enough time for Bora to gather her thoughts

The heat made the ground ahead of her look like a mirage, waves of asphalt shimmering and shaking in the sun. Bora felt herself sweating through her shirt, trying inconspicuously to lift her arms up to allow her armpits to dry off.

She got there five minutes early, and saw, to her surprise, Siyeon already seated at a table inside, eyes glued to her phone. Withholding the urge to yell, Bora waited outside as she pulled out her phone, sending Siyeon a quick text. 

_hey im here_

Just a warning. She wasn’t ready to catch Siyeon off guard like she used to, running at her until they were both howling, often on the ground.

Siyeon suddenly perked up, and at the sight of Bora, she flung her phone back into her bag and waved.

She looked cute, as usual. Red lip tint and a navy colored T-shirt. It suited her. The sunlight brought out the best in Siyeon’s eyes and hair, which shone as she shyly brought her hand down and looked away awkwardly.

Bora approached the table, hoping she was doing a good job of presenting a happy and unaffected expression. It was close, and Siyeon shot Bora one of her warm smiles. Things were as normal between them as they could be. Bora could smell her faintly, even among the overwhelming scent of fried chicken. Fresh and clean, like the laundry they’d hang up to dry together on their balcony. She took a seat.

“Hi, Siyeon.”

“Hey there.” Siyeon pushed an ice cold glass of water towards Bora, and tossed her a straw. Bora gratefully accepted, ripping off the wrapper, plunging her straw in, and taking a large gulp of water. Siyeon laughed, bright and tinkling.

“Well someone’s thirsty, it’s pretty hot outside, huh?”

“Yeah, awful honestly. You’ve been here before, right?”

“Just once. It was pretty good, I got the Sichuan Pepper flavored ones.”

“That sounds tasty.” Bora wavered for a moment. “So, how’ve you been, Siyeon?”

Siyeon snorted. “So it’s come to this, huh?” 

“I guess so.” Bora sniffed the air. “Things feel weird right now.” She took hold of the straw wrapper, folding it around her fingers. Siyeon watched for a bit before she began to speak again.

“It’s been a while since we’ve been...apart this long.”

Bora tightened the wrapper around her fingers, harder and harder, releasing when the constriction felt too overbearing. She was playing around with the thoughts in her mind the same way, holding onto each one tightly until it collapsed under the pressure, and when she finished only one thought remained.

“Yeah. It feels wrong.”

A pause.

The waitress arrived and the two scrambled to pick what they wanted. Two beers. A small set of Sichuan Pepper wings and a small set of sweet chili sauce wings. The ever patient waitress nodded, gave them a polite smile, and left. Fried chicken was a popular choice for the afternoon, and the relatively new restaurant was full of people laughing and clamoring over shared meals. Siyeon began to fiddle with her straw wrapper, tearing it into strips until each was infinitesimally small. 

They talked for a bit, giving updates on the things they had missed from each other's lives. Bora remained careful, still holding onto each word before she released it. It exhausted her, having to hold back like this. She had known Siyeon for an incomprehensible amount of time, so long that sometimes it felt like they were the same person. Like Siyeon could pick the thoughts right out of her brain, and Bora would laugh as she did, their minds intertwined. But now they were strangers sitting in that booth. 

Sometimes Bora would see Siyeon’s eyes flutter in that familiar way, and longing rose in her. She wanted to hold her so badly, to break through the barrier between them and embrace her.

She wondered if Siyeon could tell how off things were. Siyeon was sweet, and fun, and loving, her usual self, and Bora felt at ease through their conversations. She felt at home.

Bora let go of the iron grip she had on her thoughts, just for a moment. She impulsively placed a hand on Siyeon’s, squeezing it tenderly. 

“Do you want to come back?” It was the question she had been withholding the entire time, from each text conversation they had since Siyeon left to now. 

“Really?” Siyeon’s eyes widened, eager. 

Bora felt her cheeks get hot. She had not been planning on getting emotional in a fried chicken restaurant, but a situation like this required it.

“Come back. To me. Come back to living with me.” Bora sputtered, unable to contain her words as they tumbled out of her mouth. But even then, Siyeon listened on, no expression of disgust or ridicule on her face. The space separating them had been bridged, and Bora could finally see the other side. Siyeon grinned, resting her cheeks on the palms of her hands.

“I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”

The waitress arrived with their food then, unaware of what had just occurred; Bora was instantly appetized by the sight of the chicken, hot and sizzling. Soon sauce stained their fingers bright red, decorating the edges of their lips.

The chicken was some of the best Bora had ever had. She went home that day thinking about Siyeon’s smile when she said yes, about her returning home, and she felt her own heart burst. 

* * *

_5 August, evening_

Siyeon was back the next day, the few possessions she brought with her packed into the canvas bag that slung over her shoulder. 

They spent their day laying on their bed together, conversations interrupted with quick kisses before being resumed again. They cooked together, with Bora teaching Siyeon how to make kalguksu. They drank cold tea and sat in front of the fan, Siyeon feeding Bora strawberries as the television played on in the background. Bora no longer had to share her apartment with those old ghosts, ghosts that had gotten up and left as soon as Siyeon had arrived.

Bora rested her head on Siyeon’s lap, looking up to admire her girlfriend’s features. A sharp jawline like hers didn’t make sense with those soft lips but Siyeon was nothing if not a bundle of surprises. That was her girlfriend, and it drove Bora mad sometimes. _Girlfriend._ For the first time in an eternity, that term finally felt right again.

Siyeon gently ran her fingers through Bora’s hair, always careful not to catch on any strands. She looked down at Bora, their gazes now matched. 

“Siyeon,” Bora tilted her head to the side slightly, feeling the locks of Siyeon’s hair caressing her face. “Are things going to be the same?”

Siyeon blinked sweetly, and Bora felt that familiar impulse to lean up and kiss her again, those familiar pink lips. But sometimes, familiar places can be haunting: memories of the kisses they shared in the past hovered around Bora like ghosts. She couldn’t stop thinking about them, their sensations still lingering on her lips.

“No, but that’s okay.” _No, and it’s not okay._

Bora closed her eyes for a minute, willing the tension encompassing them to go away. “What do you mean?”

Siyeon began to lift her legs, rising, forcing Bora out of her comfortable position.

“Well, we’ve been off from normal lately.” Siyeon rested her back against the wall, shifting each of her joints methodically, as if untangling herself from some invisible web. “Maybe we can try boundaries this time.”

Bora’s eyebrows darted up, received by a pitying smile from Siyeon. Bora hated how easily she could be read, her whole emotions printed on her face. “What’s that mean?”

“It doesn’t need to be as scary as it sounds. Maybe just a bit of distance, it’s just a suggestion.” Bora could sense Siyeon start to backpedal, but she had already dug herself into a hole too deep.

“Do you not...love me anymore?”

“Bora!” Siyeon’s face grew bewildered, and she reached over to touch Bora on the shoulder. Her hand was so hot, it burned. “Of course not. I do love you.”

“I just don’t get what you’re unsure about.” Siyeon’s touch would not stop searing her. It was the kind of feeling that Bora knew would leave a scar.

Siyeon tapped her other hand for a bit on the floor, calm and relaxed. “Things are just weird right now. I know you feel the same. We just need to adjust to each other a bit. Maybe some distance would help”

On the surface, there was nothing wrong with this. If she just thought about it rationally, Bora could understand it, agree with it even. But Bora had made the foolish mistake of thinking her love was faultless, that it was free of the complexity that had led to this moment. Why wouldn’t it be? She was good at love. She had to be.

“Siyeon, I don’t want things to change.”

Siyeon didn’t reply. Bora waited and waited, but she said nothing. The silence crowded around her, its emptiness pressing in, suffocating her. 

She wanted to stop remembering all their tender moments together; she wished she could pull them out of her mind, bundle them up, throw them into her closet. But these memories were more than skeletons, they were alive and overwhelming her. The ghosts flooded back in, having spotted a vacancy. Bora thought back to one of the first conversations they had when they first got together. How scared they were, venturing into unknown territory. But they got each other. Sometimes it felt like the two of them against the world, but Siyeon had always known how to make it hurt less, how to make a home for them both.

She knew Siyeon was hurting now, too. 

Siyeon stood up hastily. 

“We’ve been through so much recently, Bora. Why can’t we start over and build from the ground up?”

“I don’t want to! If things have to be different...maybe it’s best that we stop doing this.”

Bora couldn’t breathe, unable to comprehend what she just said. She felt like her heart was going to collapse within her at any moment. She just hoped that the black hole it would create would pull her in as well. She should have said she was scared. That all she had wanted was to come back to their haunted apartment that they shared, and have Siyeon there to sleep with her that night, for every night after. She wanted to make this place theirs again, to pick up where they left off. Why did things have to be different? Why did it make her feel like their love was a lie?

“I’ll leave tomorrow.” was all Siyeon said, and Bora was alone again.

* * *

_8 August, evening_

Bora sits on the couch, idle, unmoving, as a dejected Siyeon sluggishly packs her belongings. Dusk creeps in as deepened shadows spread over the room. Shadows that seem to feel more at home than either of them.

Now they are back to the here and now, days after that last fight, where Bora’s lover, ex-lover, is going away for probably forever and it is all Bora’s fault. It takes a lot of effort to break a bond like theirs, but she managed to do it. She doesn’t even want to think of what the other members would say, how much they had believed that Bora and Siyeon would make it in the sloppy and precarious world that was idol romances. Bora snorts at the thought of this. What had made her think that she, with all the chaos and stubbornness that she embodied, could have made it in this realm?

Bora forces her eyes shut, thinking deeply of Siyeon, of the times she had soothed her, comforted her, loved her. Each of those memories is being packed into a box, one at a time, soon to leave her forever. Sometimes familiar places can be haunting and now everywhere Bora looks, she sees ghosts. 

She knows Siyeon herself is stalling. After putting each item into a box she gets up to drink some water, go to the bathroom, get a snack. 

“Lee Siyeon.” Siyeon looks up, startled. Bora decides maybe now is the time to avoid thinking before speaking. To do things her way, from the heart. She feels something swelling up from within and cannot afford to lose it now. She pulls up the leftover courage from her conversation with Minji, from her lunch with Siyeon at the chicken restaurant.

“Kim Bora.”

“Let’s go somewhere.”

Siyeon raises her eyebrows, slightly alarmed though not altogether surprised. “You want to go out now? At this hour? What, are you planning on killing me?” 

Bora smirks.

“If only it was that easy. Come on. We’ll go on an adventure. This apartment, it’s...it’s smothering.”

“If you insist.” 

“I do.”

They stroll out, side by side but not hand in hand. The summer evening invigorates Bora. Her birthday is soon. She wonders if she’ll spend it alone, and immediately feels her spirit get wrung out of her. 

Bora turns to look at Siyeon, who shuffles her feet slightly. Her skin looks radiant and glowing, her long hair framing her face so perfectly. Bora remembers the times she studied Siyeons’ face, trying to draw her but unable to capture the full extent of her beauty, her vivacity, her life. She is glad she has so many photos of her, so many memories. But the real Siyeon standing beside her is incomparable.

Bora is so used to being big and bold. Sometimes a bit too big, sometimes a bit too bold, but it’s her stage, and she’s always loved being a star. Even then, at that lonely spot on top of the world, it’s always nice to have someone to come home to.

“Me and you have been through a lot together.” Bora begins at a mere whisper, restraining her usual booming voice.

“Yeah, we have.” Siyeon’s voice is warm. It melds well with the humid night air, and it’s magical in its own way. She doesn't say much, but she doesn’t need to, not this time. Bora knows she can take care of it, that she can figure this one out. She’s always known the answer.

“I’m really grateful to you, you know. And I know I’ve done a lot of stuff wrong.” It feels like the first time Bora confessed to Siyeon, late in a practice room, when it was just them fighting off sleep and hunger into the night. It had made Bora delirious, it had made her impulsive, but they had gotten this far, and that meant something.

“I know. But so have I, and I’m working on doing better.” Siyeon starts to open up, her gaze rising until it is fixated on Bora, sincere. It reminds Bora of flowers beginning to bloom.

For a moment, she is awe-struck, and doesn’t know what to say. “Me too.”

“I know we’ve been off...lately...” There is the slightest sheen to Siyeon’s eyes, barely detectable under the dim streetlights. It was familiar, it was the way Siyeon signalled that she needed Bora, to hug her, to love her. Siyeon brushes her hand against Bora’s for just a moment. They stop, standing there, the shared touch anchoring them to the ground.

“Yeah, we have.” Bora wiggles her hands slightly, finding that perfect fit into Siyeon’s.

Bora knows Siyeon is doing her best to hold back a sob, and she reaches her other hand around, stroking Siyeon’s head, slowly, delicately. But her Siyeon is brave, and she keeps going.

“But I want you to know that...even when things were at their worst, I never wanted to give up on us. I have so many regrets from that first night.” 

“So do I, I...” Bora turns her head away. “I never want to lose you again.”

Siyeon steps up to her, even closer, placing her hand up against Bora’s cheek and caressing her with that soft touch that Bora had been craving immensely for the past few months. “You won’t.”

A hush. A chuckle. They collapse into a hug. The words come out just right this time.

When they part, Bora bounces forward, happy again. She is almost too afraid to look back. Maybe if she turns around, Siyeon will be sucked back into the dark corners of the street, and she would have to make the trip back on her own, to an empty home. She can’t fend off its ghosts by herself.

But she turns back anyway, to see Siyeon, her Siyeon who will always be there, tumbling toward her with a rose tinted flush to her face, boisterous and alive.

“Oh, Bora!” Siyeon grins, her eyes radiating nothing but love. “I’m glad we got to work things out. I’m really sorry for everything.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Bora cups Siyeon’s face in the palm of her hand and tilts it down, so she can look deeper into those wide, lit up eyes.

“I love you.” “I love you, too.”

Bora kisses her then, under those street lights. She remembers their arguments, still, but they don’t wound her anymore. She knows Siyeon will hurt her again, probably. And she’ll hurt Siyeon again too, probably. But even in the frightening enormity of the world, where she had felt alone time and time again, she feels safe: she knows she has found her home. She rests her head in the nook of Siyeon’s neck, closing her eyes as the calm summer night envelops them.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope u enjoyed! one day i will write something that isn’t bora-perspective suayeon :)


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